Writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs.
Follow me on Instagram: je1
"I'm so fucked." - what a sick kid must be thinking when their favorite athlete walks into their hospital room
It's funny when Democrats and Republicans argue back and forth as if both parties aren't full of lying assholes.
If your parents named you Crystal, they never wanted you to amount to shit.
I can't believe the police still haven't found Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman's killer, it's like they're not even trying.
There are two kinds of people in this world, those who follow me on Twitter and those who fuck with their t-shirt on.
Wear Uggs! RT @mcdonaldcomedy: Doing stand up tonight at the Hermosa Beach Comedy & Magic Club. Come see how much older I look in person!
I'd never wish harm upon anyone, except ladies who hover over the toilet in public restrooms and get their stupid pee all over the seat.
Put your toddler on the phone with me, I come to your house and key "Buttfucker" into the side of your car. Rules are rules.
When I see a Twitter page cluttered with nothing but @ replies and RTs, I assume that person's house/apartment is a fucking disaster.
OJ Simpson is fighting to get a new trial. Poor guy, he's probably miserable in prison and suffering from "stabbing people" withdrawals.
If you ever feel bad about yourself, just remember Brad Pitt has Billy Bob Thornton's sloppy seconds.