Writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs.
Follow me on Instagram: je1
When I try and wrap my head around how much pussy Engelbert Humperdink probably got, I usually can't sleep for 6 weeks.
I don't think even Nostradamus could've predicted today's top headlines would be 'James Gandolfini dies' and 'Paula Deen uses the n-word.'
I'm more excited to see my suitcase come down the baggage carousel at an airport than I am to see most people.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn't named her baby is because she doesn't know she's supposed to.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn't named her baby is because she doesn't know you're supposed to.
I'd guess at least 85% of the tweets you read were typed while someone was shitting.
It's insane that I'm 35-years old and not one Make-A-Wish kid wants to meet me. Total gay horses ("gay horses" is my new catchphrase).
Told the anesthesiologist about my show idea 'Needle Dicks' about two anesthesiologists who are also detectives. He looks confused. Idiot.
There's some old dude in the waiting room with one of those glazed eyes. I bet it's like seeing the world through a doughnut.
They're some old dude in the waiting room with one of those glazed eyes. I bet it's like seeing the world through a doughnut.
I have to wear a number so I can "claim my mom" when they're done fixing her gross old lady eye. She's so lucky to have me. #Blessed
My mom is having minor eye surgery this morning, she was told not to wear make-up, but decided to draw fucking eye brows on. Jesus...
There's an old couple taking turns clearing their throats. It's like Dueling Banjos.
In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There's apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.