Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billion1
Prank show where people come in to get their bad tattoos covered but end up with something hilariously worse. Offer to fix. Repeat.
Cool, @StephenKing joined Twitter earlier today. I assume he's already written 24,000 tweets by now.
Due to breaking world news, my previously planned "MILF on a Shelf" tweet has been cancelled. Thank you for understanding.
Don't forget. If you like One Direction, you are required by law to put that in your Twitter bio.
Just a photo of Morgan Freeman, you say. Nope, look again. It's a drawing. http://t.co/zlnB6qGjg6
Guys, I've been really nailing it with my milk to cereal ratio lately. #blessed
Four revolutionary words to save American car manufacturers: "chocolate fountain comes standard."
That awkward moment when your Amazon delivery drone just hovers there, waiting for a tip.
I ate way too much the last couple of days. And the 12,000 or so days before that.
CREEPY LONER HOLIDAY PRO TIP: Microwave a hot dog and call it a Thankfurter.
Moving car, Thanksgiving table, same procedure. To quickly end an awkward conversation, tuck your arms and roll out the door.
A bread bowl for cereal made entirely out of Pop-Tarts. Get on that, Kellogg's.