Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billion1
Not enough carols about the joy and wonder of delivering a well-timed drunken throatpunch at the company Christmas party.
"Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh." NICE TRY ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH LOBBY.
It's hailing in Hollywood. This is what happens when you mess with the duck people.
If you can't buy beer with an alligator in Miami, you can't buy beer with an alligator anywhere.
"Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name? Hello, I love you, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn."
Lucasfilm rejected my first idea: DARTH VADER and the SLOW TORTURE OF JAR JAR BINKS. I guess they don't like bathing in cash.
Ahoy, comic book and/or Star Wars fans! My new Vader miniseries launches tomorrow: http://t.co/Ef74DM7tgV
What do we have, like, four months before every possible tweet has been tweeted? Let's just hope climate change kills us all before then.
All I want for Christmas are a bunch of water hoses around my house like the ship in Captain Phillips.
Standing outside my neighbor's window, singing Friday the 13th carols.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our lawn display.
Spending a quiet and reflective Friday the 13th at home with my machetes.
If you run a giant inflatable gorilla lot do you have to put a car on top of the sales office to attract attention?
I do some of my best thinking sitting alone in a McDonald's ball pit.