i require ham.
If you can't handle me at my +44th, you don't deserve me at my 182nd. Did I do that right?
Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. Me most of all. I deserve this.
Last tweet: I used to be able to employ a trick to tell if I were dreaming, and then control my dreams. Now my trick doesn't work.
My dream state has evolved to prevent my becoming self-aware in situ. WHO DIVULGED MY TOTEM?!
Man: Do you have anything that'll make me reek like gasoline all day? Mother Nature: Tea tree oil? Man: PERFECT! *Celebratory coitus* Fin
TOTD: You are a star. A dying ball of gas that will soon implode and become a suffocatingly inescapable spiral, destroying light itself.
Thanks for the help! I'm going to wait until I find the right power cord. Safety first, humans!
I'm sorry to ruin your day like this, but... WHERE DID YOU COME FROM WHERE DID YOU GO WHERE DID YOU COME FROM COTTON EYED JOE
I just did 7k and my phone asked if I wanted to post it, which I considered until I realized it'd also show how slow I went, so no.
On the red carpet, a reporter asks Buffalo Bill, "Who are you wearing tonight?"
no thanks, dream sequences in any tv show or movie. stop wasting my time and advance the damn plot.
GAME OF THRONES STOLE THAT THEON GREYJOY SUBPLOT FROM LONELY ISLAND AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!!
This "summer" weather is "bullshit." Yeah, I said it. I tackle the important issues. Stay tuned for more of my hot meteorological opinions.
These weeks ahead will be remembered as The Great Skeumorphic Divide of 2013. We will dissolve into warring tribes and take to the hills. 📱