My wife has a bottomless hole in her heart that she keeps trying to fill with decorative throw pillows.
1) get her number 2) wait 4 days to call 3) wait 2 days to return a text 4) always be the first to hang up 5) die alone
Monday morning lyric writing. Have a great week! http://t.co/tH0FAKKmqi
So lame. I was supposed to buy tumblr but then at the last minute yahoo outbid me by 1.099999995 billion dollars.
Is there a song that can tell me whose sharona this is?
I'm so hip, old people have ME replacement surgery. Haha. I'm terrific.
I almost made a joke about someone masturbating a horse but then I found out the horse was real, not fictional, so I didn't. #class
Beautiful day in Paris. https://t.co/lFV1A4PMSE
I woke up too early and now I have to go back to sleep to finish the dream about the mean old lady and her dogs.
4am club, Paris chapter. C'est la vie. Je vais a la plage.
The plus one in Paris. http://t.co/757w3AsOyN
With my son. He got mad I didn't include his effort. Please have him play the theme at my funeral. On an ocarina.
If I ever die, please play the theme from Ordon Village at my funereal to commemorate the time I beat Twilight Princess over a weekend.
"You need an attitude adjustment. Are a fondue? Or a fondant?" I'm so sorry.
Look. We've gone over this time and time again. What don't you get? PAUL IS YOUR FAVORITE BEATLE!!
How did The Office finale end? Did they get off the island?
HOW COME NOBODY EVER PLAYS CHOPIN'S SONATA FOR PIANO NO. 2 IN B-FLAT MINOR OP 35 AT MY SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTIES?!
Can you even IMAGINE the posthumous shame of someone laying on a coroner's table knowing their unbleached butthole is near to be discovered?
TBT New York City, circa 2001. http://t.co/KRnPTiyZBz
Are you fucking kidding me?! This whole time I thought it was "Knights in White Satin." I'm so stupid. Sorry about me.
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