i require ham.
wait. are we all quitting tumblr over some arbitrary fake outrage or not? i'm so confused.
batman cannot wait for the party this weekend to use his "Bane is the bane of my existence" line on the ladies.
there was a typo in that last tweet. thanks to everyone who took time out their day to point that out. you are the real heroes.
husbands, commit a unrequested act of complete kindness for your wife now and then, so you can mercilessly lord it over her for months.
my outgoing voicemail message is just me laughing hysterically at you for thinking people still listen to voicemails.
Horrible, awful, heartbreaking news about Oklahoma. So terrible. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Okay I'm all caught up on all 7 seasons of Doctor Who you can all now talk about it without fear of spoiling anything for me thanks.
Your underwear smells like someone threw up steamed broccoli and corn nuts.
They sentence people to home arrest as PUNISHMENT?! YGBFKM! Music. Video games. Caddyshack. Delivered food. Interweb.
My wife has a bottomless hole in her heart that she keeps trying to fill with decorative throw pillows.
1) get her number 2) wait 4 days to call 3) wait 2 days to return a text 4) always be the first to hang up 5) die alone
Monday morning lyric writing. Have a great week! http://t.co/tH0FAKKmqi
So lame. I was supposed to buy tumblr but then at the last minute yahoo outbid me by 1.099999995 billion dollars.
I'm pretty exhausted from my weekend in Paris but I'll keep charging through this week like normal because that's what heroes do!
I'm so hip, old people have ME replacement surgery. Haha. I'm terrific.
I almost made a joke about someone masturbating a horse but then I found out the horse was real, not fictional, so I didn't. #class