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Patton Oswalt
@pattonoswalt
Mr. Oswalt is a former wedding deejay from Northern Virginia.
RT @eddiepepitone: this happened last night! http://t.co/mcXxM4Ck
This is THE BEST true crime book I've read in a loooong time, and you can pre-order it now: http://t.co/ZkTl0T63nX
RT @anylaurie16: If I'd known my fetus was masturbating, I definitely would have aborted him.
"This is STORMTROOPER POOP!" -- STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE, trash compactor scene (deleted dialogue)
Hey Rep. Burgess -- I did NOT masturbate when I was a fetus. I didn't have any trouble getting laid 'til I turned 2.
RT @GerryDuggan: The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.
"Wayne vs. Bane! Insane Pain in da Sewer Drain!" -- Don King, DARK KNIGHT RISES (deleted scenes)
Yes, I CAN suck my own dick. It's* long and flexible. (*My neck muscles & cervical vertebrae)
Really, @JoyceCarolOates? I mean, @parisreview is TOTALLY following me. Sorry I'm not @SteveMartinToGo 5...
Really, @parisreview? You follow an un-prolific hack like @JoyceCarolOates & ignore a DOWN PERISCOPE actor/Sierra Mist pitchman like me?
The video for The Motels' "Shame" is about a woman being psychically tortured by early 80's graphic and interior design.
(2 of 2) ...be funnier than W.C. Fields or Richard Pryor, or act better than Rylance. By all means try; also relax & have fun.
(1 of 2) You probably won't write a better book than MY ANTONIA, make a better movie than IKIRU, a better album than HONKY TONK HEROES...
RT @5sf: WE JUST BROKE $110K! 13 days to go for $200k! Remember a $25 donation gets you the download of the entire 5sf library http://t.co/…
"I'll analyze Wallace Stevens' 'Anecdote of the Jar' so hard your ASS will bleed, motherfucker!" -- @parisreview, After Dark
RT @jeshface: @ComedyBangBang @pattonoswalt "as old as time" is actually the worst adjective to put AFTER "vagina".
The worst adjective to put in front of "vagina" is still "pet-friendly."
"The 'Miss Utah' pod-agent has sent the coded message! Attack! Attack!" -- D'yoshht T'riil, Supreme War-wraith of the Phobos Fleet
RT @Slate: Marc Maron on Patent Trolls: "What Was Your Relationship With Your Father Like?" http://t.co/NeY8jODEDY
"Father's Day" means I get to do PURGE-style shit, right?
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