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Patton Oswalt
@pattonoswalt
Mr. Oswalt is a former wedding deejay from Northern Virginia.
RT @MTVHive: Patton Oswalt’s Funeral March http://t.co/CgWlOsw6 @pattonoswalt considers his funeral arrangements. Yes, Saltines are invo ...
If I can just make it to 9pm, New York, I'm gonna sleep the fuck out of this Saturday night. #jetlag
Really? The guy who animated my rant has LESS than 60 followers? This will not stand. Follow @izacless. HEAR ME, MINIONS!
This was bound to happen. My Parks and Recreation STAR WARS filibuster, animated. Thank you, @izacless: http://t.co/1kLccFVoHt
Never forget: FRANKENSTEIN was written by a teenage girl on absinthe & DRACULA by an Irish dude who had a nightmare after eating bad crab.
Dear @BryanFuller & @WendellPierce: HANNIBAL takes place in Baltimore. No reason there can't be a Det. Bunk cameo.
I've decided I want my daughter to be a goth: http://t.co/S6Qd2KrJyO
Dear @nbc: Don't let @NBCHannibal slip through your fingers. Renew it. You'll kick yourself when it's gone.
RT @ShittingtonUK: If you're looking for something more obnoxious and smug than Abercrombie & Fitch, check out an anti-Abercrombie & Fitch …
RT @fakedansavage: Marriage equality comes to Minnesota -- because why should Marcus Bachmann be the only legally married gay man in the st…
Thanks @charstarlene for opening & everyone who came to the FAKE Gallery tonight. I WILL make the "casa sushi" joke work.
So, on Monday, May 20th from 4 - 5:30 pm EST, I'm doing an AMA on @reddit. Let's chat, shut-ins! #AMA
"'Pacific Rim', 'Lone Ranger', 'Man of Steel'. It's gonna be a good summer." -- porn re-titlers
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to Chris Christie with the lap band surgery. Entire herds of cattle chipped in for that shit.
RT @blainecapatch: "goddammit, this fucking cape!" -- darth vader knocking over a whole display of orangina bottles at vons
"Leave the condiment area in a coffee shop cleaner than you found it." This needs to be the focus of Obama's 2nd term.
(2 of 2) ...then watched a girl elbow by him, rip open a Raw Sugar pack, get 1/2 in her cup, 1/2 on counter, drop packet on floor. #pigs
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