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Patton Oswalt
@pattonoswalt
Mr. Oswalt is a former wedding deejay from Northern Virginia.
RT @charstarlene: If I see a man with flowers, I grab them and yell, "Everything dies!" and run away and I need you to pick me up from t ...
EVOCATEUR: THE MORTON DOWNEY JR. MOVIE is a fascinating film about a tragic, horrible man: http://t.co/bXN63acK9Z
I'm cringing thinking of the clumsy way Paula Deen's gonna try to spin this racism/slavery shit. "Y'all like cornbread, right?"
Aw, #Holstens. This made me tear up a little: http://t.co/zBlRHKUWHo
Death needs to get stabbed in the foot with a corkscrew by Patricia Atquette. #RIPGandolfini
Death needs to be driven out into the woods by Silvio Dante. #RIPGandolfini
RT @GuyEndoreKaiser: Never fuggedaboutit.
Bada BULLSHIT. G'bye, Gandolfini. This sucks.
RT @FOXADHD: THE VOICES OF #AXECOP @Nick_Offerman @KenMarino 2 @pattonoswalt @robhuebel 2 @serafinowicz 5 + more! http://t.co/xlsSIfpIUa
This Paula Deen thing is nothing new. Doesn't anybody remember Plessy v. Butter?
RT @carolrhartsell: We probably should have seen the Paula thing coming. It's not like she was hiding it. http://t.co/A0rB4yQMdh
RT @APucciarelli13: @pattonoswalt You're gonna like the way he spoons. I guarantee it.
I'd like to hire George Zimmer as a human Sleep Machine, sitting next to my bed saying, "Cellar door" repeatedly while I snooze.
RT @EugeneMirman 4: If you're interested in being a standup comic, this is the book @pattonoswalt and I use. http://t.co/UmWfeFdEnD
This is THE BEST true crime book I've read in a loooong time, and you can pre-order it now: http://t.co/ZkTl0T63nX
RT @anylaurie16: If I'd known my fetus was masturbating, I definitely would have aborted him.
"This is STORMTROOPER POOP!" -- STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE, trash compactor scene (deleted dialogue)
Hey Rep. Burgess -- I did NOT masturbate when I was a fetus. I didn't have any trouble getting laid 'til I turned 2.
RT @GerryDuggan: The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.
"Wayne vs. Bane! Insane Pain in da Sewer Drain!" -- Don King, DARK KNIGHT RISES (deleted scenes)
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