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Patton Oswalt
@pattonoswalt
Mr. Oswalt is a former wedding deejay from Northern Virginia.
Hey Los Angeles -- tickets are almost gone for this: http://t.co/jdgJjqDA
Dear @BryanFuller & @WendellPierce: HANNIBAL takes place in Baltimore. No reason there can't be a Det. Bunk cameo.
Only 20 years 'til the Hogan's Heroes-style sitcom set in Gitmo.
I've decided I want my daughter to be a goth: http://t.co/S6Qd2KrJyO
Dear @nbc: Don't let @NBCHannibal slip through your fingers. Renew it. You'll kick yourself when it's gone.
RT @ShittingtonUK: If you're looking for something more obnoxious and smug than Abercrombie & Fitch, check out an anti-Abercrombie & Fitch …
RT @fakedansavage: Marriage equality comes to Minnesota -- because why should Marcus Bachmann be the only legally married gay man in the st…
Thanks @charstarlene for opening & everyone who came to the FAKE Gallery tonight. I WILL make the "casa sushi" joke work.
So, on Monday, May 20th from 4 - 5:30 pm EST, I'm doing an AMA on @reddit. Let's chat, shut-ins! #AMA
"'Pacific Rim', 'Lone Ranger', 'Man of Steel'. It's gonna be a good summer." -- porn re-titlers
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to Chris Christie with the lap band surgery. Entire herds of cattle chipped in for that shit.
RT @blainecapatch: "goddammit, this fucking cape!" -- darth vader knocking over a whole display of orangina bottles at vons
"Leave the condiment area in a coffee shop cleaner than you found it." This needs to be the focus of Obama's 2nd term.
(2 of 2) ...then watched a girl elbow by him, rip open a Raw Sugar pack, get 1/2 in her cup, 1/2 on counter, drop packet on floor. #pigs
(1 of 2) HOLY FUCK. Watched a barista JUST NOW tidy up the sugar/creamer area...
Never used a sugar/creamer area in a Starbucks I didn't have to mop up first. Not a slam on employees; people are animals.
RT @juliussharpe: Breakfast in bed? Sure, I'd love to slouch in a weird position for a half hour and almost choke with every bite.
Goodnight, @AmysBakingCo. You walk in God's grace, and are his angels. Ignore the TURD RAPING SHIT-LEG CUNT-RECTUM COCKSUCKERS. Namaste.
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