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Patton Oswalt
@pattonoswalt
Mr. Oswalt is a former wedding deejay from Northern Virginia.
"I'll give up my bicep tattoos when you have them laser removed from my cold, dead guns." #eh #Cminus #imtired
RT @NeilHamburger: Another sad day: when Ray opened his Spotify 2012 royalty check and it totalled $1.74. @Spotify: A very sad day for musi…
RT @ShittingtonUK: Inspirations… http://t.co/BIjpF9xiSP
RT @ShittingtonUK: "Daddy, are you cool?" "Haha! Isaiah, that's a rad question. Pause Veggie Tales and let's talk about the coolest guy who…
RT @glenna_opt: no YOU'RE taking a pregnancy test in an ihop bathroom
RT @ixSEANxi: @pattonoswalt @MichaelChiklis 8 “fool me once shame on you fool me twice goddammit more balls.”
Yeah, I'm RT'ing a lot of funny people. The news out of Oklahoma keeps getting worse so this is how I cope. Sorry. REDCROSS to 90999
RT @rachow: The key to staying thin is, instead of three regular meals, throw up six smaller meals throughout the day.
RT @charstarlene: "Time is so crazy. What is time? It passes and before you know it, you die alone," I said. "Your pizza isn't ready yet," …
RT @GerryDuggan: “The guy we’re after is real crafty.” - Jerry Orbach, standing over a vajazzled Law & Order victim
Hunker down, Oklahoma. Sorry you're going through this. It's this random, wild planet. REDCROSS to 90999
"Why am I surrounded by lighting right now?" -- Robby Krieger. #RIPManzarek Seriously, "Crystal Ship" is one of my favorites, ever.
Hey, my @reddit AMA is in 30 minutes. I took the bath salts 10 minutes ago! #askmeanypineapplecockwindow
Wow. Jimmy Connors trying to shame Chris Evert for having an abortion is so lame even assholes feel sorry for him.
When Oscar Wilde toured the U.S. in 1882, he was mocked by Harvard students in Boston & cheered by silver miners in Colorado.
Well, William Gibson (@GreatDismal) just RT'd my new @funnyordie short. Gonna go strut (cue Bee Gee's "Stayin' Alive")
RT @funnyordie: Mr. @PattonOswalt gets a strange pair of glasses that reveal a terrifying secret about the world around him: http://t.co/rL…
RT @JamesGunn: The grammar in #WhenISeeAObamaBumperSticker trending hashtag kind of says it all, doesn't it?
RT @ScribnerBooks: Today from 4 - 5:30 pm EST @pattonoswalt is doing an AMA on @reddit. Ask him ANYTHING!
RT @Caissie: Today better not be stupid.
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