I give medicinal cocaine to baby animals
Tip: when your pumpkins get really rotten they look like frankincense and myrrh so you can just leave them out
Whoever was ringing my doorbell last night and crying at 12:30 am, I've already seen The Strangers but thanks!
We were sorry to hear that your Grandma actually did get run over by a reindeer. She was so kind and deserved a less humiliating death
Translation: this Holiday card is to let you know I know where you live and can try to kill you again anytime I please
My dentist dresses up like Hermey the Elf so he'll probably be dead soon
My dog got sprayed by a skunk. Or he is a major major major drug dealer
Be sure to send me an Evite to your Holiday party so I can say how I didn't get the Evite.
Those mannequins that look like sign spinners know how to keep a secret
What's a good book I can buy my Dad for Christmas about wars and killing?
Update: my Saturday morning frenching class got swarmed by fireants at the park and Jim is in a coma.
Translation: "This Holiday card should prove that somebody else finally married me and I own 3 horrible looking children"
the robotic claw I used to put the angel on top of my tree accidentally keeps touching my bare bottom
Whoever snubbed me at the Golden Globes, I have something for you called MURDER BY COYOTES