I give medicinal cocaine to baby animals
Grocery store sample giver-outer, do you wash your fingers after you put them in my mouth?
I bet if you followed a Driver's Ed car around, you'd see a lot of teens taking naps with old guys
Call your Dad. Tell him thanks for getting your Mom pregnant. Hang up.
I will use my toothbrush until it looks like Betty White's landing strip.
My charity event to STOP people from texting while jet skiing has been canceled because everyone that did that got killed already
I have a bruise on my butt that looks just like Wolf Blitzer's bruise on his butt
"more like freak-flag day"--guy who loves to tell people to 'let their freak-flag fly'
Since Kim and Kate's babies are due on the same day, I propose a pay-per-view birth, crotch to crotch and let those babies come out fighting
I like to think that if my dog were to suddenly become human, he would be a huge fan of me. Like borderline stalker.
When will we be able to charge our phones with wind power by holding them out the window while we drive fast as shit?
If my Dad wanted a Father's day gift, he should have not forced me to do 'After Earth'.
They should make a watch that when you look at it, it just reads "IT"S FUCK YOU KEEP WRITING YOUR SCREENPLAY O'CLOCK"
The more your face looks like a snapping turtle, the less often women will ask you to go down on them. Unless she's a real snapping turtle
What about a movie where once a year for 12 hours, The Muppets get to go out and murder people?